Becoming a mother

How do I feel like being a mother so far? For one, definitely my time is not for me alone to use now, there is another tiny human being demanding my time and attention. To be very honest, I didn't cope very well in my first month (maybe even parts of my second month 'x'). Partly I blame the stupid confinement lady. Lol! And partly the hormones and partly the stupid confinement practices AND partly bcos I wasn't able to go out of the house. Lol! I guess it's a little bit of everything.

But i wasn't liking my life as a mother very much then. I get hormonal everytime i see my friends able to do things that normal human beings do like going shopping and EVEN going to work. Yes you can guess things were pretty bad for me to miss work. LOL! I miss dressing up, i miss putting on makeup...sighs, why am i so superficial. And there was a point (first few days in the hospital), where i cried when the baby cried.

I even thought i was having post-natal depression but i guess not?

But towards the final month of my maternity leave, i started to get the hang of it. Although i still feel miserable when i have to wake up and spend the whole day at home with messy hair and urine and poo stained shirt, i feel like i have control of things now. I am fortunate enough that the hb is understanding enough to let me go out with my friends once or twice :P And during those rare occasions, i was like a dog let loose out of the pound. LOL

I love my baby, but i do need my own time too. I think I m not the type to be a stay at home mom. I would go crazy first. We decided to send wormy to the nanny few days before I started work. I imagined this day many many times before I even delivered. I think I would cry. Imagine for the past 10 months or so, I have never been away from her. And now I have to send her away. 

That morning, I kept telling myself "this has to be done, unless I am willing to quit my job" and also that one day I will have to let her go (school, university and so on) and I also kept telling myself how Annoyed I always get when my mom goes all sobby when we are about to leave home. Lol! 

So I did surprisingly well that morning. But also bcos the nanny was half afraid I was going to cry and kept asking me to go. Lol. Put her on the bed and I had to admit I felt so guilty for doing so. Kept thinking to myself "oh nooo my poor baby is going to wake up without me by her side" 

 Tried to get my mind off her and did a few hours shopping at the mall (although I was guilt stricken and bought only her things. Lol). 

Until.....when I met the hb for lunch. And he asked me. "Why don't you call auntie? " I asked "for what??" He said "just to ask how are things?".

I really got so annoyed with him because right after that I could few tears threatening to fall from my eyes. Lol! But I  got things under control in the end. 

At the end of the day, wormy did better than me I suppose. She fed well and slept well the whole day. I guess the nanny also did a good job.